Welcome!… readers of the old blog… new readers… all of you!
In attempts to be more inclusive in who can read… here we are!
To begin, this is “My Story” that I posted in 2009 from the old site… with a few changes reflecting where we are today…
I am told a lot how “amazing”, how “great” I am for doing what I am doing– taking in these babies, loving them with everything in me always with the possibility of letting them go. I am told “Oh, I could never do what you are doing” and that I am “such an inspiration” and “so strong”.
Really… I am not… Do I whole-heartedly believe in what I feel I have been called to do? Yes.
Do I believe that fostering a child is a wonderful thing and that more people need to get involved? Yes.
Do I believe that ultimately the foster system works to save children and lives? Yes.
Do I love these babies? Yes. Did I think years ago that I would be doing this with my life? No.
Did I envision that I would be a single mommy caring for other people’s children? NO!
I have always wanted to be a mommy. I can’t remember a time that I didn’t feel I knew exactly what God had designed me for… and to be honest with you– it WASN’T this!! I just knew God had created me to be a married woman toting along 5 or so kids to play dates, Gymboree and trips to the playground, coming home and doing some laundry and making dinner for my husband (all from scratch of course). I knew I was created for PTA meetings and fieldtrips and room mom, soccer practice and dance recitals. And I was happy to be that… I was happy with the desire God put in my heart– I was happy with the idea of being a normal suburban housewife.
I did not have any desire in my heart to foster or adopt… that was great for other people– THEY were the amazing ones, the inspiration to us all… but it wasn’t for me. I had it all planned out… the normal, everyday life that God was going to give me. (HA… I can hear Him sighing and see Him shaking His head even now as I write this!)
At 18 years old my life started to change. 4 years of pain and 12 surgeries later at the age of 23 I surrendered to the fact that my life as I had “planned” it was not going to happen.
7 years ago I had a complete hysterectomy.
There had been days I couldn’t get out of bed, pain that I have never felt and hope to never feel again, procedures and regiments and pills and injections attempting to rid me of my pain, but nothing worked. And I realized I couldn’t go on anymore, that there was one “treatment” still that I had not gone forward with and that it was time.
Afterwards I was completely pain-free for the first time in 4 years and realized how much pain I had actually been in– I had forgotten what it was like to feel good! Afterwards I was completely devestated by the choice I had to make and the dreams that I had just squashed… my nice, neat little planned out life was no longer a reality. And… I was angry. Why on earth would God put this desire in my heart to have it never play out?!? Why would a God who loved me be so cruel as to rip this out of me?!?
3 1/2 years after my devestating decision Adrian entered my home and changed my life forever. It was as if I finally realized what I was meant to do- why God had put this overwhelming desire and love in my heart… He knew I was going to need it because I was going to be called to raise other people’s children… to take in the abused, neglected, sick and tired and make them a part of my family.
I feel like I entered into the foster system with the selfish desire that I wanted to have a baby… I wanted a child… I wanted to be a mommy (I, I, I). That is the plan truth of the matter. But once there I felt complete… that I was where God had always intended on me being.
And so my planned life was turned upside down… and yet feels like it’s just the way it should be.
Would it be easier if… yes.
Don’t I wish sometimes that… yes.
Doesn’t it hurt that… of course.
But, do you know how amazing my life has been as well?!? Do you know how insanely wonderful my life has been as well?!? I can’t imagine it any more according it to MY plan!
And after 4 years of this, 8 children- some who have gone, some who have stayed and some who are staying for forever- so many losses, so much heartache I wouldn’t change a thing. Because it has also been 4 years and 8 children of joy, of blessings and growth. I am right where I was made to be, right where I want to be.