Watering the flowers… with the boys…
Oh, the sweetness of little hands helping…
Made sweeter by little hands sharing…
Sweeter still by little hands trying and little hands immitating…
And after that 3 minutes of sweetness…. let the water start flying!
Let the water war begin…
To be fair… I may or may not have started the battle… watering is watering, right??
Oh the joy of boys… helping boys.
Anyone’s life truly lived consists of work, sunshine, exercise, soap, plenty of fresh air and a happy contented spirit.
-Lillie Langtry
Adopt-
To take up and make one’s own
Acceptance; To Embrace; To Select or Choose
1 year ago today I adopted my sons. I took them up, embraced them in the depths of my heart and chose them to be accepted and to be my own.
Having been their foster mother first, I had in essence done this years before. The reality was that they were my sons long before a court granted me that gift.
The night before their adoption I wrote this-
I know that in reality nothing changes- I’m your mommy now, I’ll be your mommy tomorrow- and maybe that’s the point… THIS is the promise that nothing changes. Adrian, you will never again feel the sorrow of being taken away from Mommy and Tiger, you will never have to experience that despair. Because from tomorrow on, nothing changes.
1 year ago we were proclaimed a family. 1 year ago Adrian Nathaniel and Tyger John were legally born into existence. 1 year ago I promised to be here forever… forever feels good.
In honor of this incredible blessing that took place 1 year ago, I present to you our adoption day… because I never want to forget the sights, the sounds, the feelings that took place when my family was offically born.
5:30 am wake-up. Jump out of bed not quite feeling like this day is real, that my life is real, that what is going to happen today is real. Shower.
Tyger’s up. Pediasure. Dress him in his oh-so-cute adoption outfit.
Adrian’s up. So excited about his “special day” outfit. Wants to put it on as soon as he wakes up. “Mommy, I wear my special day outfit like Tyger”… yes… everything today is about our “special day”.
Movie in for the boys. Dry hair. Put on makeup… still in a fog, in a “this isn’t for real” fog.
Call mom… bring a snack for Sariyah when you go pick her up from her mother please. Oh and… Eeeeeek!! Happy Adoption Day!
Wake Kiki up… she’s not so excited about the “special day” early wake up call. Dress Kiki. Give her a bottle. Check the diaper bag one more time- colored pencils, paper, stickers, cars, snacks, bottles.
Put earrings in. “You have earrings on for our special day?” Adrian asks.
Take earrings out… they are burning my ears… allergy to something.
7:15– Pick up Molly. We talk about this and that in the stop and go traffic that is Houston. Is this really happening? Is this day for real??
8:00– Drop Molly, Adrian and Kiki off at the courthouse.
8:10– Tyger and I park and walk 2 blocks to the courthouse…
8:20 Bathroom break for Mommy. Adrian wants to sit on the “special day” potty. Finally out of the bathroom after washing everyone’s hands… even if they hadn’t gone potty.
I hear my name called… it’s my lawyer… ready to sign paperwork!
Kiki and I go with him. Molly entertains the boys.
Listening to the questions I will be asked by my lawyer… am I really here? Is this really happening?!?
Pretty much I just have to say my name and then yes, yes, yes, YES!!
Sign some papers.
Back out to the hall with Molly and the boys. They’ve all ready gotten tired of coloring… on to cars.
9:00– the troops arrive- Dad, Mom and Sariyah and Uncle Luke… the excitement is building, the realization of today is starting to set in. And we wait… and wait… and wait… The judge is late… she’s on her way.
It’s HOT… the ceiling to floor windows are beautiful but the sun is blaring down and it is getting uncomfortable and sweaty. Tyger is losing it… he wants Pediasure… and of course it’s in the car. Adrian plays cars with Dada. Dada holds Tyger upside down which makes him giggle and less crabby for a moment.
9:35– the attorney comes out of the courtroom. 3 other families there for adoption… he calls one of the families in for their turn.
9:50– the family emerges from the courtroom crying, hugging, joyful and celebratory.
9:52– We hear our name called and parade in. oh.my.goodness… This is it. This is really happening.
Raise your right hand… swear to tell the truth… so help you God. Introductions. My attorney introduces me, Adrian and Ty and the caseworkers. Judge asks who the others are. Dad jumps in to introduce… I’m dad John, my wife Karen, my children Molly and Luke…
Judge says “I’m sorry you are WHO?” I say “he’s MY dad”. She says “ohhhh, ok. I thought we had a polygomy thing going on here and we were going to have to talk about that!” We laugh.
My attorney starts talking… I give my name… I am floating above everything… This is really happening. My sister is all ready crying. “You have read the files on Adrian and Floyd?” Yes. “And knowing their history and the history of the family and having read their entire file you are asking the court to grant this adoption?” YES… my voice never sounding so definate or sure of anything and the tears start forming in my eyes.
He announces the names… Adrian Nathaniel and Tyger John … “yes”…
I look back at my dad who is holding Tyger and has been kept in the dark about the middle name for months.
He says with a shocked look on his face, “WHAT?!? You didn’t tell me that!!!”.
I smile at him and look back at the judge… John is his name I say. Those standing with us smile, let out a little giggle and a collective “awwww”.
Passing the witness… The boys lawyer is next with questions… She was Adrian’s lawyer during his case and mentions that it has been a long 3 years waiting for this day for me.
She comments that the boys have been placed together for quite awhile and have become brothers… I stammer out a yes and the tears break through… BROTHERS… never a sweeter word heard… my boys are BROTHERS and my heart just soars with emotion.
I look back at Tyger… he’s upside down again… Dada’s doing a great job keeping him happy and from losing it. I’m not doing such a great job with Kiki who was ready to go home about 30 minutes ago and squirming and flailing around in my arms… I think about how beautifully crazy this all is, how beautifully crazy my life is.
And then the judge says… The adoption is granted. The name changes are granted. Congratulations!
Stuffed animals given. Pictures taken. Hugs all around.
Adoption is granted… with those words the boys became my SONS, I became a MOM, and the past 3 years seem all a blur. It really happened…
1 year ago it really, truly happened.
Happy Adoption Anniversary, my sweet, precious, energetic, silly, loving sons!
It has been a HARD week… insanely, exhaustingly hard.
4 sick children, extra doctors appointments, and really rough behavior has created a whirlwind of chaos and a very tired mommy. This week has also been a very clear reminder that so many times in our kids the past traumas last 10x longer than the time away from that trauma… and about 100x longer than you think you could possibly handle! Physical scars are very understandably there for life. I see a scar, I know something happened there- visible and a concrete. But underneath that- and often with no visible sign- are emotional wounds. Fears, anxieties, learned behaviors and different ways of looking at the world.
This week Adrian’s behaviors have been out of control- defiance to the max– I need him to tell me why he is in time out… I tell him why he is in time out and ask him to repeat exactally what I’ve said… and it takes 40 minutes for him to finally break and decide to stop smirking at me and saying over and over “I don’t know”. He doesn’t want to be touched or talked to my me… yet he actively sought out hugs from his preschool teacher today (ouch!). You have something- he takes it. You say something- he argues with it. You talk- he screams and says no one can talk about him. You ask him to do something- he says “I can’t”. It.is.exhausting.
Ty… oh my sweet, complicated Ty. When dealing with his eating issues he is a complicated mess. We have worked through the physical aspects of it- chewing and swallowing- but it’s so much more than that. There is so much fear and anxiety for him when it comes to food. And that fear comes from… 3 YEARS ago. Being fed inappropriate foods and drinks before he was 7 months old. I spoke with a social worker at the doctor’s office during one of our visits and she said “Well, that was so long ago, I would really doubt that’s still the issue today”. I would say this comment is false. Me?- I ate soup when I was 5 years old, threw up and… haven’t eaten soup since! I believe the pain and trauma of those first eating experiences completely formed aversions so severe they are still present 3 years later.
I think the same thing that the social worker thought about Ty… but I think it about Adrian.
Surely… after all this time Adrian’s trauma should have lessened. After all this time surely he and I have formed a healthy attachment as mommy and son. Surely after all this time he has learned what safety feels like and can stop fighting so hard.
But, I don’t look at Sariyah’s scars and think, “Well, surely after all this time they should have disappeared”. Why? Because that’s absurd!
I don’t even look at Tyger’s feeding aversions and think, “Surely after all this time he should have learned to enjoy food”. Why? Because it is something I can reason with and understand.
The problem with Adrian is that I don’t know and I don’t understand. I don’t know all the traumas. I don’t understand all his fears. I don’t see the world like he does. And because of that I think “SURELY the time he’s been back with us outweighs the trauma he had without us!”… but it doesn’t work that way. Just because he was gone 10 months from us does not mean that 10 months with us will fix things… I fear that not even 10 years will completely fix things.
And that’s hard to think about… hard and exhausting.
And so… I breathe, I pray and I push on.
And I have hope that somehow, some day love will outweigh the trauma. And if not, I will do my best to deal with and lovingly respond to the aftermath of that trauma… and remind myself that it’s been 25 years… and I still haven’t eaten soup again!
thefosteringlove 